Abstinence in the Suburbs

Note: this was written in 2006. I know have a lovely girlfriend and am very happy. I'll write a sequel eventually.

A few weeks back a friend asked me what I had to offer a girl. He said it jokingly and I laughed along with him but later that night I began to seriously think about that comment. It took a little while but I was finally able to admit to myself that I offer nothing to the opposite sex. Well, I have plenty of things to offer but I doubt it is anything they really want. When I was a kid I really wanted the “Ice Planet 2002: Deep Freeze Defender” LEGO set. But did I really want it? No, TV told me I did. I feel this is the same way with relationships and what people want out of them. I was tricked, MTV got me, I thought I was set, well off even. I play guitar, I sing, and I have a motorcycle. What more could you ask for? A lot apparently, but this introduces another problem. What more are they asking for? I don’t know and I doubt anyone really does including the females themselves. I wanted my LEGOS but I didn’t even remember them two weeks after the initial lust for them.
This put me in a somber mood for a few weeks until I was having lunch with the same friend who brought this dooming realization upon me in the first place. I asked him, “What do you think you have to offer women?” He looked at me confused and then a little while later responded, “I don’t know.” I smiled and said something along the lines of, “We’re doomed.”
I put these thoughts out of my mind for a few weeks and was enjoying life. Until I went to camp with the church youth group I help to lead. A few of us were in the cabin and talking while playing some guitar and one of the female leaders looks at me and says, “A few girls used to have big crushes on you but I could never figure out why.” I stared at here for a few minutes and eventually asked why she deemed it necessary to tell me such a thing. She looked at me and said, “Oh, I didn’t mean it like that.” To which I responded, “I am pretty sure there is only one way to take it.” I looked around the room for support from the other guys and girls sitting around the room all avoiding the situation by looking down with shocked looks on their faces. The girls were afraid of being called out on having crushes and the guys all avoiding a similar comment directed towards them. This comment of course threw me down another spiral of self loathing.
This comment got me wondering who had the crushes on me and why didn’t they let me know. Some people might even suggest that the speaker and owner of the quote herself had a crush on me. To that I say, “Bollocks,” and I don’t even say words like “bollocks” that is how ridiculous a notion it is. Sure if it were any other girl I might be inclined to agree with you. But not this one, this one is older than me, a good friends older sister, and another good friend girlfriend. This girl has absolutely no interest in me what so ever. Crushes are a different things between males and females. Males typically have a crush on any female they have ever met whereas females are a lot more selective. This makes it imperative for a girl to let the guy know she has a crush on him. Or else nothing will ever come of it. Guys are to afraid to ask because they assume, judging on past results, the girl does not care for you in the way they care for them. The female has the upper hand in this situation and needs to act on it.
After a few days of this last comment sinking in I let it fade away. I pretended it had never happened and I shouldn’t worry about it anymore. I do this a lot, the ability to consciously forget things is one I wouldn’t trade for anything.
A week after this last incident I found my self in the car with an old friend. We don’t see each other very much anymore, mostly because I became a devout Christian and she became a stripper. This always leads to fun and interesting conversations in the car. Mostly about how I refuse to sleep with her and her inability to understand why. While we were in the car together during one of our awkward silences, caused by a poor attempt to grope my leg and me pulling it away quickly, I turned to the car next to us in at the stop light and commented on the driver, “That girl is cute.” My friend glanced at me and said I always forget your straight. I sat there dumbfounded at how she could make that awkward silence that much more awkward. The impact of this comment didn’t hit for a good ten minutes longer. Finally I looked at her and said, “Just because I don’t sleep with a girl doesn’t mean I don’t like them.” She just smiled and said I know. But I am afraid she didn’t, I am afraid a lot of people don’t know that. It seems pretty obvious to me but reflecting on past circumstances I am led to believe sex is necessary for a relationship to survive and because I think that’s false it limits my potential dates to a very limited number of girls. Specifically the ones I go to church with. Which means I have to compete with every other guy my age to finally go out with one of this girls. This worries me.
I feel my only hope is on a new person. One that no ones knows and shows up out of the blue. But if that ever does happen, which it wont because I do not live in a teen movie, I will not be aloud to date her, mostly because I am the youngest of the single guys in my group of friends and it is a courtesy issue. The older ones apparently have less hope than I do. This is all unspoken of course and I am 95% sure that this isn’t true it is just something my warped mind has come up with, but I believe it none the less. Another problem with this imaginary scenario is that I will never have enough courage to ask a girl out. I have done it before and it has worked, but I think I was probably high or something because this hope seems non existent now. Ever situation I put myself into I need to be able to control, if it screws up I need to be able to blame myself. This is why I don’t bet on sporting event, the results are out of my hands. I don’t like having to rely on other people. So asking a girl out is a lot like taking my feeling and giving it to her to do with it what she wishes. I can’t do that, not anymore. It just doesn’t seem like a good idea. Hopefully I’ll be able to get over this someday or figure out some genius way of letting a girl know I like her without giving her the ability to crush my soul. Flirting you may be saying to yourself, that is the point of flirting. I can’t flirt. I can be extremely nice but that is how try to be around everyone so one act does not stand out over any other. This is one of the few reasons my girl friends call me a heartbreaker. Being a heartbreaker and at the same time hopeless is pretty impressive in my eyes but I am sure no one else sees it that way. I am a tube of eye liner and a Myspace account away from being Emo.
Another big problem is that I make friends super fast. This is a terribly horrible bad thing. Say I meet a girl and we hit it off really nice. We are both into the same kind of music, films, and books. We enjoy the same things and so far I have tricked her into thinking I am an intellectual and very funny to boot. Before I can comprehend how wonderful a situation I am in her and I have become best friends and she is asking me if my best friend likes her. This is a bad thing. It means I will never be anything more than a friend. Sometimes there is the slim chance they have not seen the film When Harry Met Sally and by showing them this I open up the possibility for them to realize that they are meant to be with their best friend, in this case, me. Another problem with this is that When Harry Met Sally was made in 1989. Most of the people in my generation refuse to watch anything made before 1994. This puts a damper on my fall back plan of When Harry Met Sally.
Just last week I had found myself in yet another car but with the same stripper. She was wearing an extremely low cut t-shirt. Focusing on the control of my eyes the entire ride was a difficult task, but it must be done. The night before the men’s bible study group I belong to talked about temptation and adverting your eyes when necessary. I didn’t expect it to take such a short time to have a practical test in what I learned. But there I was in the small car staring straight ahead asking her, “Why do you choose not to wear clothes around me?” She laughed and said, “Because its funny to watch you squirm.” I chuckled and told her I was going to bring her a large t-shirt next time I was around her.
It’s not that I don’t like her. Or think she is ugly or anything, I mean how could she be she is a stripper, but then again my only interaction with strip clubs has been on a strictly imaginary level. She is a good looking girl and I wouldn’t mind dating her, except for the fact that she of course dancing naked in front of men for cash. That turns me a little off, alright it turns me a lot off. Even if I wasn’t Christian I couldn’t do it. I hate to say it but I am a jealous guy, I can’t see how a guy can’t get jealous, it is his responsibility to get jealous. Oh and there is the whole self respect issue. I cant even go to Hooters, I feel to bad for the girls there. Sure they don’t want my pity but that is a big part of the problem. Not looking at the faults of your self is not a good thing, in fact it is a bad thing. That’s a good way to explain this paper. It is in some small way making me feel better about myself. If I was a thirteen year old girl I might of prefaced this whole thing with the words “Dear Diary”.
Dancing makes me happy but I cant do it. So does dating girls. I might lack the knowledge and coordination to do it but what the hell, I’ll give it a shot anyway. I may look like an idiot I may even break my leg but I’ll be having a good time while I do it. Knowing you look like an idiot is the first step toward good dancing, maybe it’s the same way with dating.
A girl the other day told me it was the little things that counted. I said I knew and laughed. She was a liar. Sure getting a single is great but hitting a home run is better. No one remember the base hits, they remember the grand slams and the diving catches. They remember the risks and the glory, not the mediocrity. Which bugs me, because of course I am nothing but mediocre. I’m not mocking mediocre, I think its great, I just wish I was great at something instead of being “OK” at everything. I am the jack of no trades. There are not television shows about me.
Well I feel I have reached the bottom of this spiral of self loathing, now the only thing to do is pick my self back up again and make my way up to the ground floor. Maybe when I get there I’ll decide to keep going.